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Houston, tenemos muchos problemas: cinco hitos del audiovisual español y el espacio sideral

23 enero 2013 - 20:09 - Autor:

En los años sesenta y setenta en USA e Inglaterra a todos los modernos les dio por poner una pátina espacial a sus productos, lo que les proporcionaba un sofisticado (el término también es de la época) prestigio. Al final hasta James Bond subió a hacer sus cosas de James Bond a las estrellas (‘Moonraker’ Lewis Gilbert, 1979).  En España pasó al revés: lo de la conquista del espacio nos ha dado siempre como la risa. Viendo inalcanzables los logros de los pioneros soviético-norteamericanos, decidimos que en lo que somos buenos es en las gracias chuscas. Aquí van cinco arbitrarios ejemplos de cómo nos tomamos entonces y ahora eso de la atmósfera cero y las pastillas de proteínas.

1: El clásico. ‘El astronauta’ (Javier Aguirre, 1970) . Rodada íntegramente en descampados, esta cinta posee TODOS los tópicos bochornosos de una parodia estelar. En nuestro descargo debemos decir que casi todos los países europeos hicieron una patochada similar. Aunque la nuestra, con la NASA convertida en la SANA, la base en Minglanillas, el sin par Tony Leblanc entrenando para las duras condiciones del cosmos, el exhaustivo reparto de secundarios (creo que no falta ninguno, sale hasta José Luis Uribarri) y, sobre todo, con el equipo habitual de la productora C.B. Films  a los mandos, supera al resto de simpáticas producciones foráneas.

Destaquemos también a un José Luis López Vázquez como científico mezcla de profesor Tornasol,  profesor Bacterio, Einstein, Papá Pitufo o vaya usted a saber qué otros modelos tomados en consideración por la recalentada mente de Pedro Masó en los desiertos de Almería.

2:  El híbrido. ‘El caballero del dragón’ (Fernando Colomo, 1985) . Argumento: en la Edad Media el alquimista Klaus Kinski invoca al Señor de las Tinieblas para que le mande un ángel con la llave de la sabiduría. Justo en ese momento llega una nave espacial y el personaje de Kinski cree que el alienígena es un enviado del mismo diablo. Eeeerm… Sí. La película no es una comedia aunque Fernando Colomo le inyecta grandes cantidades de humor inoportuno y pueril  justo en las escenas que no hacen gracia. El extraterrestre (no lo habíamos dicho todavía) no es otro que un andrógino (ejem) Miguel Bosé, que pasa gran parte del metraje poniendo cara de picaporte.

3. El colmo. ‘El Ete y el Oto’ (Manuel Esteba, 1983). Mucho después después de hacer en 1969 la muy improbable parodia del clásico Rareza espacial de David Bowie (esto es verdad, ahí abajo está la cosa) los Hermanos Calatrava cometieron esta película de la que creemos que no hay que dar muchos más datos. De vez en cuando la echan por la televisión. Ustedes mismos.

4. El intento. ‘Acción mutante’. (Álex de la Iglesia, 1993). Esforzada producción, guión ambicioso, efectos especiales más allá de barajar tres pelucas… ¡Y chistes buenos! La nave Virgen del Carmen de la banda protagonista y el sketch de hacerse pasar por un carguero espacial de sardinas es hilarante. Lo dejamos aquí. Decir cosas buenas de algo se nos da francamente mal.

5. El bluff. ’Plutón verbenero’. Serie de televisión. (Álex de la Iglesia, 2008/2009). El expresidente de la Academia Española de Cine no podía evitar enmendarse la plana a sí mismo y rodó dos temporadas de trece episodios cada una de esta especie de Red Dwarf  de la que, de alguna manera, consiguió extraer todo lo memorable convirtiendo la divertidísima parodia de las space operas en una inane sopa en la que está a punto de no tener gracia ni Carlos Areces.

Y ya está. Ahora han una hecho una película muy intensa en crowdfunding al estilo Tarkovsky y tal llamada El Cosmonauta. Creemos. Pero excede nuestras humildes virtudes de glosadores exclusivamente de tonterías.

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