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‘Drama en el portal’: Los carteles más patibularios de las comunidades de vecinos

3 julio 2013 - 14:01 - Autor:

Un buen día, vas a coger el ascensor para volver a casa y te encuentras una nota que reza algo así como : “El hijo de la gran puta que apuesto mierda en el buzón del 3º y 2º si lo veo lo mato y si tiene lo que tiene un hombre picaría en mi casa para aclararlo, maricón. Gracias”. No puedes evitar reírte, o al menos sonreír. ¿Y si te dijera que existe un libro que recopila los carteles y notas más extraños y divertidos que alguna vez se han colgado en los portales españoles?

Amenazas, delitos, cacas, desperfectos, mascotas, ruido, sexo y fluidos corporales… Drama en el portal es una recopilación de notas de portales que sacan a la luz los conflictos y malestares de las comunidades de vecinos de cualquier ciudad o pueblo español. Un libro indispensable para cualquiera que viva en las proximidades de otras personas. “Los problemas vecinales nos unen a todos”, nos cuenta el Hematocrítico artífice y padre de la obra.

Durante dos años, el Hematocrítico ha ido reuniendo en su blog varios carteles de comunidades de vecinos, hasta que finalmente decidió juntarlos todos en el blog Drama en el portal. Y ahora, los mejores carteles del blog ven la luz en papel y a todo color, repitiendo el formato del exitoso El Hematocrítico del arte. El objetivo es claro: “Lo que quiero es que la gente se ría, y el efecto acumulativo de todas esas animaladas juntas es letal”, cuenta el Hematocrítico.

Hay varias preguntas que azotan nuestra mente mientras ojeamos el libro de cartel en cartel y de portal en portal: ¿De dónde demonios sale todo este espléndido derroche de poesía y amor por la literatura con fines concretos? Los carteles se encuentran repartidos por toda España y gracias a la colaboración de los lectores de su blog, el Hematocrítico ha ido recopilando estas perlas de la literatura moderna. Pero sobre todo destacan las referentes a la suciedad. “Dentro de las categorías que hemos inventado para el libro, la que se lleva la palma es ‘fluidos corporales’”. Y es que la gente es muy guarra. “Es más fácil escribir una burrada en un cartel que timbrar y dar la cara para decirle a un vecino que sabes que está haciendo pis en el felpudo. Es, irónicamente, menos violento”.

Sin embargo, por mucho que nos intrigue, jamás llegaremos a conocer el desenlace de estas curiosas historias vecinales. “Lo hermoso del asunto es que no sabemos si los conflictos vecinales llegan a solucionarse o agravarse. Los portales nos sitúan en un momento muy concreto de la historia, podemos deducir el antes, pero el después sólo lo podemos soñar”.

Cuatro preguntas a bocajarro:

Ponte en el lugar de tus vecinos. ¿Qué cartel podrían ponerte a ti?

Bueno, algún toque me han dado… ¡Yo qué sabía que mi secadora de madrugada hacía tanto ruido!

¿Alguna vez has sentido el impulso de redactar un cartel llamando la atención a algún vecino sobre sobre su actitud o eres más de hablar las cosas a la cara?

Yo a la cara lo menos posible… Una vez una vecina jubilada me fastidió un montón de ropa tendida con lejía y al intentar solucionarlo salí escaldado. Pero una nota no habría resuelto gran cosa…

¿En tu portal alguna vez alguien ha puesto algún cartel?

Alguno increíble de cuando no tenía cámara digital ni móvil, y más recientemente alguna perla como el smiley psicópata. Le tengo mucho cariño y se convirtió en el avatar de mi blog.

¿Cuáles son tus carteles favoritos o los que más te han impactado?

Pues muchísimos. El primero me encanta por su complejidad y los más metafísicos, como el segundo, me chiflan:

Más notas por si os habéis quedado con ganas:


Y la colección completa en el blog Drama en el portal.

El Hematocrítico en Twitter y Facebook.

Y para seguir picando…:

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Yo vivo en un primero con patio. Me han tirado bolsas con mierda humana, botellas y una barra de cortina…. quién coño tira bolsas con mierda por la ventana? De donde ha salido? Qué le pasa por la cabeza, qué piensa. Como discurre una mente así. A qué dedica el tiempo libre..?
Mis vecinos….esos catetos.

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